Wife Needs Space and Time…?
I have been married 4 years on 2/26. I have always loved my wife very much and have done a poor job in communicating it to her. We have two children, one is from a previous marriage and the other is my biological child. I love them both very much. I also consider both to my children and if the option of adoption was available I would gladly adopt her.
After my wife and I had our child together things changed within our marriage. I began to change the way I behave toward our other daughter. At times I can say I was out of line and mean. It always seemed after I was mean I would ask myself why I acted that way. This caused problems between my wife and I. I am shameful and embarrassed with my actions.
Three years ago was also about the time I started doing side businesses on the internet. I thought if I could come up with a website that takes off i can really take care of my family. This is when our marriage began to decline rapidly. I was so involved with my online crap I lost touch with my and her needs. My computer is root cause of why I also stop getting what i needed. So my wife and I would have a blow up every two or three months. We always managed to work through them. However, my wife would always tell me we needed to go to counseling. I would say yes, but never took action. She says she wanted to see me so some initiative. Basically, I failed my wife and kids. I became distant and never took anything seriously. I always thought no matter what my wife and I faced we would make it through it.
Well 7 weeks ago my life stopped. We had a massive blowup. I mean it was big. Of course my usual arrogant self I thought well we will get through it. A few days later my wife waled in and said she was done. She was empty and had nothing else to give. She wanted out, a divorce. Something happened to me that i cannot explain. Something clicked and I realized everything that I want was about to be gone. I was devastated. I convinced her to go to counseling with me. She went for two sessions and stopped going. I have still been going to counseling sessions for myself. Seven weeks ago something happened. I opened my eyes and saw how I had been the last three years. I was the problem. Ever since that day I have vowed to be a better husband and father. I have since been able to rebuild my relationship with my girls. I no longer have the feeling I did with the two of them. The counselor opened my eyes, and I can now treat them equally. As far as my wife it has been different. My pursuit for her has been over the top. I want to longer be selfish. I want to love the my wife the way a man should. I want her to think of me the way I think of her. Finally, in my pursuit I have pushed her further away. I moved out of the house about two weeks ago. I still come by often to see the kids, but also just so I can see her. I moved out because she said she needed space and time and I could not give it to her while I am at the house. I now understand that. My wife and i do not curse or abuse each other. I believe we both have too much respect for one another to do that. How do i completely give her the time and space she needs and still keep the kids close? My wife has seen my transformation over the last seven weeks. I have made drastic changes for me, my wife and kids. I and now working out and have lost 23 pounds. When I come to the house i do all the small things I know she always wanted me to do. The difference is i do them now because i want. I do them because I know it helps her. I do them because that is what a husband should do. I have read the 5 Love Languages, The Love Dare, and went and saw fireproof. In fact, our story is identical to Fireproof except without a happy ending. My wife can now tolerate me, and we can have a conversation. However, she is not there yet. I need to give her total space. Is it ok for me to go a week without seeing her or my kids? No communication at all. This is what she wants. She wants me to show her I can listen to her and give her the space. I just want to show my wife how a man is supposed to love his wife and kids. I write this with loads of regret, shamefulness, embarrassment…I want to show my wife the new me….I think as of now the divorce is on hold but I really do not know…I pray to good space and time will allow her heart to heal and anger to subside a little so i can love her again.
Sorry for the book…
I have failed to mention a few things. While I beleive I am the root cause of our problem my wife is not the perfect one either. I have caught her in several lies, but not stood up to her. It has always been her way or the highway. Most recently when all this started she told all her friends I cheated on her. This is a flat out lie. I confronted her on this and she denied it. However, I have email proof. She also has been having late night conversations with a "friend". Friends do not talk from midnight to 3am everyday. She said she has been helping him through a hard time. Did I mention all this started when she joined facebook and started connecting to old pals. I take my share of the blame and as a man I have stepped up. However, she sees no fault on her own, and it takes two. I told her the other day i was coming back home to move in the upstairs room and she said if i did it was over definitely. I just wanted to be near my kids. What to do i have no idea?
Also, right before all this started 7 weeks ago marked her 5 year anniversary of her mom passing away. Oh and not to mention that is the time she started taking a prescribed diet pill called phentremene. My therapist who met with us twice believe there is more with her than just me, and i am the outlet. Not to mention she does to school two nights a week, has a job and works out of the house while taking care of the children. For the record, I do my share around the house. I cook and clean when i get home. Help bath the kids and get them to bed. My faults are getting on the computer afdter that point. Any I feel like my wife has over done her limits and is about to have a mental breakdown. Her behavior is so erratic. First she’s telling me its over. Then inviting me to hang christmas decoration in the house with the kids. Then has our oldest daughter come ask me if want to go to dinner. Then after that she flips and is rude and hateful. I just don’t know. I love her so much!
Tagged with: adoption • biological child • blow up • blowup • counseling • crap • divorce • few days • initiative • marriage • my wife and kids • poor job • root cause • sessions • side businesses • three months • waled
Filed under: Counseling Courses Online
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Regret is an empty emotion. It’s isolating. To realize you’ve made a big mistake or series of them takes courage to face, along with the after effects and fallout which follow. When we’re single, we call these relationship revelations "learning from experience". However, when we’re married – we don’t get that same luxury of a "free pass". And so the frustration a married person feels on either end of this situation is indescribable.
You have made some significant changes in your behavior with your recent self-discovery. And I applaud you for that. It takes a lot of courage to put into print everything you did here tonight. And such a small percentage of men on average would do the same. Men don’t like to talk about their feelings – especially when they’ve been wrong. It’s disheartening right now – but please keep this behavior in your positive trait column for the future.
Now to help you see things for a minute from your wife’s side…while you’ve had these revelations & made these positive changes, you wonder why she isn’t jumping on the bandwagon. But stop and re-read my last thought. Right now you are basically in her face confirming for her what she knew was wrong all along and consequently hurt her to the point of leaving. You’ve validated everything she didn’t want to believe…but knew was true.
So, the space she’s asking for doesn’t sound that out-of-bounds to me. When you give your heart to someone and they disappoint you – you hold on tightly to your heart in the future to try and prevent getting hurt again. When people apologize or make promises, the most important thing is that they are genuine words and actions. And believe me – I have no doubt yours are! I believe you sincerely realize your mistake and are frenetic about righting your wrongs. But I’m not married to you. And if I’m your wife – and I’ve just seen you pull this 180-270 turn around on me…I’m going to want to make sure you are completely genuine before I give you my heart and trust again.
That’s her need for space. She’s trying to sort through things. I’m sure she sees that you’ve transformed into everything she ever wanted you to be. But she needs to decide if she has the energy or desire to go back into the fire we call marriage. And to sit idle has to be tortuous for you, because you feel you are losing precious "make-up" time in showing her the so many other ways you’ve changed. But relax. Part of her decision as to your authenticity will be to try and figure out where you’ll land when you are past this phase. Being in her face with change, change,change isn’t the positive you necessarily believe it to be. She won’t believe it’s authentic if you appear to just be telling her what she wants to hear to save the marriage and live happily ever after.
She wants you to be your own person. Drowning in self-loathing or regret doesn’t show her who you will be. You have made some self-discovery…have you decided how you want to come through this? You certainly wouldn’t be planning to have a lifetime of exhausting efforts of fawning all over her constantly. You made mistakes. We all do. You admitted your fault which many people don’t have the courage to face. Unfortunately, sometimes circumstances can’t be fixed. You need to continue your efforts in saving your relationship because you now know how deep your love is for your wife. Find ways to demonstrate your love on that deeper level, in meaningful ways – not smothering with I’m sorry’s. We don’t like mistakes rubbed in our face. Don’t let her view your marriage as a mistake. Be a man who she can work to retrust and who she wants as her partner. Remember you have a lot to offer. You can be confident and humble at the same time. But be realistic. And if she is just too hurt, than as hard as it will be you’ll need to accept it. You can’t make her love you. But you can be someone she wants to love. Best wishes on a challenging road ahead. Receiving forgiveness from your wife is important. But also forgive yourself for you are human like the rest of us.
she depressed
I’m always amazed that a man cannot see that the most important part of a relationship is what happens every day, every moment. You cannot "make up" for the past. Your wife was there for your bad behavior and for all the days or evenings you ignored her. Those things killed her love for you. Live your life and know that you have paid the ultimate price to learn a lesson.
I think you should talk to her and ask her what kind of space she needs from you. Is it permanent space, where you guys are separated and don’t see each other at all or is it the space you’ve been giving her, where you’ve moved out and only come by once and a while. I have to be honest, you royally messed up and because she keeps giving you chance after chance after chance, it’ll be really hard for her to trust that this change is for real.. You really hurt her and you made her fall out of love with you. Now, it’s always possible to fall back into love, but she has to be open to it. Fight like hell to give her what she wants, but remember if she’s done, she really is done and you need to move on as hard as that may seem.
Edit: Sounds like you have some major issues a head of you. Your wife is bi-polar and it may have to do with lots of different things. YOU need to figure out if you can continue on a relationship like this, how long you will be her outlet, how long you will allow her to hurt you… I know your sorry you messed up, but if the relationship is over, it’s over.. And you’re right, talking to a man late night is not ok. He’s filling the whole that you should be and it’s not ok for this to continue if you want to get your relationship back together. It’s good that you’re taking measures to get her back into your life, but this maybe a lost cause…. Talk to your therapist about this and see what they say, if it would be healthy for you to pursue a reconciliation with her.