Suicidal tendancies: Eternal suffering or nirvana?
It has been 11 yrs that I have been in depression, I am 25 now. I have been living in a hope that ‘One Day’ I will get better. That ‘One Day’ never came but each year my situation got even worse. Yes there are some external/superficial/materialistic factors which makes me depressed but then I think that even if I correct them will I be happy? Of course, no. I have been shy and lonely all my life since childhood. From childhood I have been told by my parents, friends, teachers, everyone that its a flaw. I spent most of the time with myself. I craved for love, recognition and positive comments but never got any, never. I never had any relationship, never kissed a girl, never even hugged anyone including my parents. To make the matters worst I am really an honest guy with an altruistic nature. I always put others welfare before mine. But I learned that it is not a desired characteristic in a human being. I am so tired of listening "He is a nice guy" and thats it. People have always come to me whenever they wanted help but never asked me otherwise. I sacrificed all my life for others but never got anything in return. I feel so unimportant just like someone invites you to a party and you don’t show up, who cares, it doesn’t matter. I realized that everyone is selfish and self-serving. I was the only fool to care about others. Neither funny, nor good looking, nor rich, and not even intelligent, why would anyone be interested in me? I met a German girl online (I live in Paris btw) who became a very good friend of mine. I gave her a hint about my situation and she always tries to motivate me. She wants to meet me but I am too afraid as firstly she will be appalled by my appearance and she will find out how pathetic I really am. Now I don’t trust people even if they say something nice about me. I feel like they are just pretending. During childhood I had imaginary friends and family. The problem is, I still have them. Whenever I felt lonely, mentally disturbed, depressed I used to turn to my imaginary family for love and consolation which i never got in real life. Every night I used to sleep thinking about them who never existed. The things have got so much worse that even in my dream world, problems have started to arise. I am afraid to sleep because I have ran out of pleasant thoughts. My mind is always occupied by negative thoughts and worst things happening to me. I have lost all hope in humanity. No matter what people say i don’t trust them anymore. I have become skeptical, cynical, paranoid and worst a misanthrope. I have so many diseases that i have lost the count, i have anger management problems, bipolar disorder which i aquired genetically from my father. I saw him suffer all his life, now its my turn, i know it, it will never end, like a black hole. I have voilent tendancies although i never harmed anyone physically but maybe I will reach that phase soon. I thought of having a counselling but then I dont have money to afford it and I am ‘skeptical’ about whether it will really work or just a waste of time. Yes i know my problem is not the worst, I have seen people in worse situation than me but I am not mature enough to learn from it. I feel helpless all the time. Its 2 AM in Paris and I have office tomorrow yet I don’t know why I took 1 hour to write this BS who nobody cares about. 3 yrs back i wrote the similar crap on yahoo and here I am again! Yes, I have suicidal tendencies. Anyways, who cares, I am expendable.
Tagged with: appearance • btw • depression • firstly • fool • friends and family • german girl • good friend • honest guy • imaginary friends • love • nice guy • parents friends • paris • relationship • welfare
Filed under: Counseling Courses Online
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Wow man… I totally know what you mean. I’m 20 and have the similar situations, although I don’t have and never had imaginary friends and my situation is not that bad.
I have always tried to solve my problems, and I’m still trying.
The things I recommend you are those that I tried.
Next time you see your mother just hug her, it will make you feel better, and you will make her happy. Try it, don’t be scared. When she asks what is it about just say what you feel, express your emotions, because it is what you need.
When you talk to a friend, make it personal, show that you need him/her as a friend. That way people will know that you count on them as a friend. If you do not do this, people will not know if you want to hang out with them. When I was in high school, there was this guy who I considered a friend, but I do not think he considered me a friend. So I showed him that I considered him a friend by talking about personal things with him, and saying stuff that I never said to anyone (and said to him that I never told these things to anyone) therefore I showed him that I consider him a friend, and as soon as he realized that he started talking to me about personal stuff. We became close friends. So you need to show people that you value them (not by doing stuff for them, but by expressing your need for a friendship).
This girl of yours need to know ALL your problems, talk to her about it through internet, if she still wants to meet you, then go for it. Saying all your problems to you will decrease your chances of being rejected.
As for the people being selfish… It is true, 99% of people are sh!t. So find someone that is ok and have same problems as you.
Do not think about yourself as an ugly guy. Because it does not matter, the inner beauty is better. As for the girls its all about confidence.
It is important that you stop worrying what do people think about you.
All these things can’t be done easily. I know its tough but you got to start trying.
As for the money… you do not need it to be happy. The society brainwashes you into thinking that you need materialistic stuff in order to be happy, and believe me, you don’t. So stop watching TV especially the news, it makes you depressed. Stop interacting with strangers through internet (they only make you feel bad, trolls, idiots etc.).
The best way to prevent depression is physical work. When you feel depressed go jogging or play some kind of sport.
Stop over-thinking things, it only makes things worse and doesn’t solve problems.
I hope I helped. Good luck.
I feel same way. But then figure, whatever, people are worthless, and don’t do anything for them.
But sorry, mines not as bad, I just seem to get over it.
:]]
I think we are in the same situasion.There are still some free counselling sites online,but I don’t think they can help.Perhaps psychotherapy can.
Anyway,you can talk to me if you want.At least I’ll understand how you feel.
Wow! You are carrying some heavy stuff on your shoulders. I have learnt when you help people don’t expect anything in return – just do it because you care and that is how you are. But if you are helping someone ALL the time and they are not appreciating it or offer help in return – then I would just say no next time. If you let people like that use you – my goodness they certainly will.
The depression is not your fault, it is a chemical imbalance – you know that you have it – and you know how down you can get – you have to know yourself, when you feel it coming on and when you should ask for help from those around you or warn them that you aren’t the best today. Managing your condition is the only way you are going to live with it. It may actually go away, when you least expect it.
You aren’t your father either, make sure you aren’t making excuses and blaming people for your own situation.
Your experiences (lack of love, hugs etc) have brought you to where you are today. Tomorrow hasn’t been written yet – you are already making up a future for yourself – a future of problems, sickness, a world where everyone is uncaring. You have taught yourself to repeat the past and hold onto the bad things that have happened to you.
What if you could start to see a blank page, a page where anything is possible and anything in your life is achievable. That is what I am learning to do every day.
You are only pathetic because those around you have told you so and you fully believe it. I lived with people telling me I was stupid and ugly and I really believed it for many, many years.
Now I can see that I am me, this is my life, I may not be a supermodel but then again most people aren’t supermodels. I am not very academic but there are other things I am fairly good at.
I know I was put here for a reason, otherwise why would I be here? Out of all of those little sperm you were the one that made it to the egg first – so right from the start you were a winner anyway!
Maybe helping people will be your saviour? You have too much time to think about yourself and your health, get busy and join a charity group, a book club, a sports club, volunteer at a local community group. You will not only stop thinking about yourself, you will meet people and learn new social skills.
I hope you can get on track in this cruel world and find all of the good things it has to offer. Learn from your bad experiences and mistakes as they are all life lessons as well; and can push you in the right direction.
Best of luck on your journey!