I want to leave my husband of 26 years, should I ?
I have been corresponding with this marriage counselor online for the past few months. His last subject, "How do you know when to Quit?" I read it and here was my response to him: I’m sorry to say it’s time to quit. There’s been infidelity, definitely broken trust; emotional neglect/abuse; The "brink of divorce" came in 2007, when he secretly went to see an attorney for legal advice. I found out because his dad paid for the "retainer fee" when my husband brought the remainder of the check home to give back to his dad. I am totally bored with this man. He is very stubborn and is "always right." He hides savings/money from me; limits me with the amount of money I can use in our "joint checking account"; we go through days of silent treatment; the sex was great (not anymore, babe), but I think he uses that as an assurance that everything is OK between us. There is definitely a communication problem in this household. We have three young adult daughters living with us. Two in college in the early 20′s; one still in high school, 17. They all agree there is a communication problem in this household, and who by the way they always side with him about everything, and as far as he concerned, "they never do anything wrong"; he doesn’t appreciate me, and refuses to go to marriage counselling "because nothing’s wrong with our marriage, it’s me". Here lately, all we do is yell at each other, in front of the kids, of course. He can’t seem to discuss anything with me in private. I have been home for 20 years plus raising my three daughters. I think he is miserable, too, but he won’t go see a lawyer because he "doesn’t want to give up any of "his" money". Hey, come one, doesn’t he know that half of his income, property, etc., is mine? In earlier years, my husband would cut me down, I would run upstairs to our bedroom, shut the door and cry. He has done this our whole marriage. He keeps money hidden from me, won’t let me have access to our savings acccount, either by papers statements or online. I am not to know anything about money. He as a 401k that he won’t share information about with me. We have an equity line of credit on our home and he says "I have no access to it and can not use it for anything should I need something". He put the thing in his name and his name only, even though I signed the Deed of Trust with the bank. No one at the banks we use will even discuss anything with me about any of the accounts that exist because "my name’s not on the account". He bought a 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix a year and a half ago. He won’t let me drive, it. He won’t even give me a key to it. Again, what’s his is mine. Right? He tells me to "Just go out and get a job." I want to pursue a paralegal career. I am a legal secretary and want to get a "good" job. (I may need it). He won’t support or pay for me taking any classes online to pursue a better career. He says my going back to work as a paralegal won’t start for me with a "bang." I am 48. I don’t look my age and don’t feel my age. He didn’t support me when my mother was ill with Alzheimers in 2001. He wasn’t there for me when she passed. All this had (in the past, I’m OK now) put me in a deep depression. So bad that I had to be hospitalized for two weeks last year, (had gotten down to 115 pounds), wouldn’t eat etc., received electro-compulsive therapy and medications. I now doing fine now, all off medications. While I was depressed, he would make "fun" of me. I remember pacing outside in the front yard. He would stop his yardwork and pace with me. Why didn’t he pick up on the signals of my depression? Why didn’t he call someone for help for me? I remember even asking him to "help me." Nothing. I was on so much medication that I can not remember years (seriously) of my life. Seven to be exact. I am now so angry with him, I want out. He won’t change and won’t go to counselling because "It’s my fault things are this way." I don’t have any money or anywhere I can go. What do I do?
Tagged with: adult daughters • amount of money • babe • brink • checking account • communication problem • emotional neglect • household • infidelity • joint checking • legal advice • marriage counselling • marriage counselor • quot • remainder • retainer fee • silent treatment • three daughters • yell • young adult
Filed under: Counseling Courses Online
Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!
Why are you blaming him for everything? YOU are 1/2 at fault for the problems in your marriage. I’d be skeptical of an on-line marriage counselor. Just like the one that convinced my husband to file for divorce and then tried to get my non-religous husband to join his church. My husband was depressed because we have been living apart for 2 years. He’s working while I’m in a doctorate program. I blame each of us equally for the problems in our marriage and have agreed that while things are not "fine" and "okay" I would not force him to finalize the divorce until we can address our problems TOGETHER with a REUPTABLE counselor.
too lengthy to read
You sound like a handfull. He’d be thrilled if you left, I’m sure.
If you lesbian then yes
I don’t think we should be the ones to make that decision for you.
it really sound like you have all ready made the decision to leave, you have tried to save the marriage
with counseling, all you can do know is try to move forward with your life and your daughters, it will
take time but you can do it, just take one step at a time, you can only make your self happy not
someone else… god be with you,,..
Aw, im really sorry. I dont think we should be the final say, but i think if it was me, yes id leave. Ive reliezed you only have one life, and if you want to pursue things, and hes holding you back. Thats terrible, And he has no right. and love can be re-found at any age! my grandparents found eachother at 73. so it is possible if your intersted! But take care of you first, and take care of yourself! Good luck
You should, there is no reason why you should stay in a relationship that you aren’t happy in. Try to go to college online. You can do it!!!!
you come across as very unstable. it is also somewhat strange that your entire family is against you. it is really hard to believe that EVERYONE is against you. if you are ready to leave the relationship, i can understand that, but i think you really need to think it through. i agree with your husband, you should go out and get a job. start off with what you know then, move higher – you will even be able to pay for it yourself. working also gives you a chance to focus on other things instead of the same old things. just make sure you are prepared for what it is you are about to do. also, continue counseling.
Seek counseling. If that doesn’t work, then look for legal advice. Those are really the only options that you have.
First off – if you were/are in marriage counseling…..it’s not working. Marriage counseling is not about getting your spouse fixed, it’s for you to come to understand HOW you can work through your marriage roller coaster and still feel joy! (James 1:2)
I would suspect that you are not seeing a Christian counselor.
It would appear that your husband is massively controlling. Why? Don’t know from what you say. For me – it’s usually about his childhood. Specifically, something to do with a manipulative and controlling father. You are now paying the price of that abuse/neglect.
Your husband only feels good when he can make others feel bad.
You see him as the culprit in all this when it is you that is the real problem. You cannot control another person’s "words, actions or behavior" by he seems to be doing a pretty good job at controlling you! Is this his fault? No – it’s YOURS !
You are the classic codependent. You base your life’s emotional state on the whim and fancy of another person. Does this sound at all right? This is the reason for counseling.
You do all that you do under the auspices of "love" when in fact, it’s not about love at all. (see 1 Cor 13……about love)
You do not understand the truth of "boundaries" in relationship. (Boundaries by Cloud / Townsend)
You do not understand the duality of needs in relationships or cannot meet those needs as you currently live. (His Needs – Her Needs by W. Harley) Your position as "wife" has been really wrecked and your self-esteem is really wrecked. Pick up "Captivating" (Stasi Eldredge) and put yourself back on track to what God designed you for from the beginning. (for your daughters also!)
Google up divorcecare.com and go! This 13 weeks will show you / teach you where you are failing yourself in this life and give you a moral centeredness to get back in the game. It is NOT about divorce. It is all about "relationship". Correct relationship.
And there is much more………….but you start.
Well, it is not up to us to decide, you need to make this decision on your own, but it appears like you have already, you just need some one to give you that final nudge out the door.
He mistreats you and is controling you through holding everything away from you. If I were in this situation I would leave. It is not a decision to be taken lightly and you should seriously think of the impact this will have on your kids and yourself. You may need to stay for some time to be able to afford to leave. You will need a place to stay at minimum.
Good luck, this is the one of the most difficult things you can go through in life, but in the end, you need to make the right decision for yourself. Ask your self what you want and where you want to be in 2 years and decide if what you have is the answer or if cutting your losses and leaving is the right answer.
Many blessings,
Rae
First off, it sounds like you need to admit that you may be married to an emotional, verbal and financial abuser. Hiding and controlling the finances is not a good sign. You should seek counseling for yourself. You are the only person you can change or help. You have the right idea about bettering yourself and getting in better health.
Ignore the judgmental condemning people who will kick you while you are down. They have no comprehension of what it is like to be in an abusive situation and how the stress of it will bring your health down and lower your self esteem and cause depression. This is proven facts. You can survive with the help and grace of God who will give you that peace that passes all understanding. Give your heart to him and see what a difference it makes.
Find a support network through a church, on-line counseling, and through the local women’s shelter who will direct you to some great resources and then pray about what choices you have available. There is a wealth of information on-line. Make sure he isn’t spying on your internet activities and try doing some further spying of your own if you plan to divorce.
I’ve included a link that might help you understand your situation better. God bless.
At once, without, delays, Yes, do it now, leave that man en-mediately, run as far as possible, do it for the sake of you own sanity. I only can assure you, that along the way, you will find the peace you long for. In your way, away from a painful existence, there is only one comfort that will guide you to your redemption: Your firm and irrevocable determination. Rudy Solis. LA CA
I could select several sentences from your post, any one of which would be represent a clear justification for leaving your husband. You do seem to have made the (correct) decision to leave him, and you probably know that you should have left him years ago. Nevertheless, you must do it now. Consult a lawyer first; I am sure that he/she will tell you that you DO NOT need your own money to pay legal fees in a divorce proceeding. Many lawyers will give you advice on getting by financially until a settlement is reached. Often the husband is required to pay your expenses, including legal fees, while you live separately during that period. When the “estate” is settled, you will have money to start building your new life. Your spirits and level of hope will rise once you take the first step of consulting a lawyer. You will see many possibilities in your future instead of feeling trapped and depressed. I would also advise you to see a live therapist, not an online “expert” where the odds of getting help, or getting help SPECIFIC TO YOUR NEEDS AND SITUATION are small. Find a Psychologist (Ph.D. degree)who does talk therapy. These days, all that Psychiatrists (MD degree) do is medicine therapy. Use a Psychologist to treat your unhappiness and an MD (family doctor or psychiatrist) to treat your brain chemistry through medication. Your husband needs therapy also but that is his problem. You are an intelligent woman who is beginning to take hold of her life. Take heart. You can, and you will, be happy again. Good luck, dear.(About me: I am a 74-year old man who went through two divorces, decades ago, both initiated by me. I had an extensive 6-year psychotherapy along the way, which I sorely needed. I was lucky enough to get enormous, permanent benefits from it. Subsequently, I acquired some training and worked as a lay psychotherapist supporing a qualified, licensed therapist in both individual and group therapy settings. I am happily married to my third wife..I finally got it right…and we are growing old together. It’s great!)