I know that wives asking questions about their husbands and porn situations is not uncommon, but I have perused the internet for a situation like mine and have yet to find one. So I’ll throw this out there and see if anyone can help.
I have always had a higher sex drive than my husband. It has been an issue since the day we started fooling around. I love sex: talking about it, doing it, thinking about it, planning it, etc. He, on the other hand, rarely even mentions sex if I don’t first. He turns me down for sex at least once a week. I’ve gotten lately to where I don’t even ask because being turned down–again–is so painful.
I am eager to please him in bed. He’s not one to suggest things to try, but when he has, I’ve been enthusiastic and really gotten into it! I mean, I’m the girl who gave her husband blowjobs regularly during the 6 weeks after I had my daughter because we couldn’t have sex and I knew that we both needed to connect sexually. And I’m also a very attractive, physically fit 23 yr. old who dresses sexily (when appropriate) and works out 6 days/week. I get hit on at the grocery store every week–even though I have my 1 yr. old daughter with me. I am smart (valedictorian of high school class) and funny, as well. I know it sounds like bragging, but I just want to give some background so that no one says, "Well if you would lose weight, put out more, be more sexy/experimental he wouldn’t need to look at other women!!" My husband gets sex every day if he wants it. And trust me, it doesn’t have to be missionary style. This is not the problem.
So here’s the deal: About a month after we got married, my husband confessed to having a porn addiction since he was approx. 13. This went on through our year long engagement. I had even asked him about it prior to our marriage–he lied. Of course, I forgave him for lying and told him I’d do anything he needed to help him. He desperately wanted to stop watching porn. About a year after this, he confessed that he’d been watching it again. I had thought that since he was getting sex nearly every night he certainly wouldn’t need porn, so it was a huge blow to my self-esteem and trust in him that he needed porn on top of all I was giving. But, again, I forgave him and trusted him again. He asked me to ask him regularly how he was doing in that area, which I have done over the course of the year, and he always says, "It’s sometimes a temptation to want to look–I mean, naked women, come on!–but I don’t want that in my life anymore." But a couple nights ago I started telling him that I felt a distance between us, like he wasn’t with me during sex, etc. He confessed, again, to watching porn. He said it was easier than coming to me for sex. He apologized for lying all year about it. He cried and yelled about how much he hated it–how he felt like it was destroying his life. Of course I cried, too–it’s hard to watch someone you love go through and put you through this.
But this time it hasn’t been as easy to forgive. There are several reasons for this. 1. This is the 3rd time he’s lied to me and hidden things from me. 2. He’s getting his MBA online and working full-time, so he rarely gets to spend time with me and our daughter. He gets home from work, eats dinner, goes up to his office and does homework until bedtime. He’s been watching porn while I try to keep our dd quiet and stay out of his way so he can do his homework. We’re down in the living room just waiting for him to finish his school so he can be with us. And he’s watching porn. 3. He rejects me regularly for sex with a real live human being, but wants to jack off to porn? 4. I’ve offered to watch porn with him in the past if that would make him feel better and not feel so bad for liking it–he said, "No, that stuff disgusts me now. And I don’t want to expose you to that filth." Another lie. 5. My parents are going through a possible divorce right now bc of my father’s 30 yr. porn addiction that led to an affair (This is how my father and his therapist describe it). How can my husband watch the pain and horror going on right in our family because of porn and still choose to go there??
As you can see, I am confused and hurt. But I love my husband. I’m just unsure about how to have a successful marriage when you can’t trust your spouse. I’M not the one trying to force him to stop using porn–from the day he told me he’s been desperate to stop for his own reasons. But he keeps lying. And he can’t stop using porn–no matter how hard he tries.
What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel?